Average Sex - Everyone's Doing It

My friend's mother (yes, mother) once told me that if there aren’t fireworks between the sheets, it’s just not meant to be. I immediately dismissed this advice, partly because it meant my menopausal friend's mother was having better sex with my friend's overweight father than I was with my supposedly sexually prime bedmate. But mostly, I rejected this theory because I didn’t, and still don’t, think its entirely true.

Sex – the good, the bad, and the ugly – where does it all fit in?

We make such a big deal about sex. It consumes us. We lie about sex – we say we’re having less when we’re having more, and more when we’re having less. We worry about our relationship if the sex isn’t “above average.” We worry about our health, our sanity, our bodies and our worth if he simply rolls over. We use sex as a barometer for the status of our relationships when there couldn’t possibly be a less reliable, standardized or empirical indicator.

I, for one, do not believe that the caliber or frequency of the sex we’re having – or not having – is necessarily an accurate representation of what lies beneath. Now this is not to say that sex is not an important component of a relationship, because it is. I fancy a good ole shag just as much as the next gal. What I am saying, though, is that thanks to soft core porn, (aka cable television), Megan Fox, and Cosmopolitan articles with titles like “Give Him the Best Sex of His Life” and “101 Sex Positions to Try Before You Die,” we have been made to believe that not only should we be having sex every night, but great sex every night, and this just isn’t realistic.

These fallacies also spawn a kind of sexual competition among men, women, and couples alike. “Do you guys have a swing? Where have you done it today? Have you tried the Reverse Amazon? What about the Jellyfish? The Bent Spoon?” It’s like losing your virginity automatically (and unwittingly) qualifies you for the sex Olympics and suddenly everybody’s keeping score, or being judged, or being stripped of their medals for performance enhancers. The whole world was turned upside down when Sting revealed that he has epic bouts of tantric sex with his wife on a regular basis, and women everywhere were making statements about “how lucky his wife is.” Now, I’m sorry, but I have no time to be having seven hour sex sessions; I have to eat an Italian sub, use the restroom and watch crappy reality TV all before 1 p.m., so this just isn’t going to work. And quite frankly, I have no desire to play hide the canoli for four hundred and twenty minutes. Should I feel bad about that?

We are constantly bombarded with images of beautiful people having beautiful sex. And because of this they are happy…elated…energized! We are repeatedly told by “sexperts” that you need to spice things up in the bedroom to “keep the magic alive.” And when friends get together and talk the dirty (and not in the middle of the day at a local shabby chic diner for hours at a time like Sex and the City would lead you to believe), it’s almost always about a mind blowing orgasm, or a rainy day marathon.

But what about the average sex everyone is having? Why don’t we ever hear about that? Is consistent, moderate sex unacceptable?

I just do not believe that people all over the world are having non-stop, tear jerking, flesh gauging sex – and I think that’s OK. In fact, I think that’s natural and normal. Great sex takes work, and personally, I’m not always up for the challenge. I’ll admit it – sometimes it’s nice to just lie there, (and you’re lying if you say you’ve never felt the same). Yes, most of the time sex is an incredibly fulfilling, invigorating and enriching experience, and yes, most of the time I’m a team player. But after a ten hour day, four non-light beers, and two episodes of Intervention, I can guaran-f*cking-tee you I won’t be hanging from chandeliers or slipping into any tutus. AND I’M OKAY WITH THAT.

Time and time again, we have heard that the quality of sex is directly related to how much you care about the person, but that just isn’t the case. I think that perfect strangers can have mind-blowing quickies, I think you can have mediocre love making sessions with your soul mate, I think perfectly happy couples can hit a dry spell, and that two people with nothing in common can come together (pun intended) in bed (or on couch, in backseat, hanging from flagpole, whatever your fancy).

Certainly it makes sense that the emotional connection you have with your partner will affect the sex you share with him (or her) – stronger feelings will produce a deeper sense of intimacy, inspiring more passionate bedroom business, and bringing poignancy and sentiment to an exchange that can otherwise be quite barren. We are also inclined to be more generous and attentive lovers when we respect and appreciate our bedmates. And finally, and perhaps most importantly, the closer we are with our partners, the more comfortable we feel talking about the sex, sharing our likes and dislikes, our haves and have nots, and exploring fantasies, fetishes and fears that would otherwise remain dormant (and unfulfilled). However, I think this theory has some loopholes, and that it often plateaus, and once again, that the sex simply is not always indicative of, or an accurate representation of the tenor and essence of a relationship.

Nothing comes easily in the world that lies within our bedposts, and I’m tired of being told that it does! I’m tired of doing kegel exercises while watching Oprah so I can really nail that Reverse Cowgirl (I'm kidding-- but not really). I’m tired of watching middle-aged women climax repeatedly on courtroom dramas. I’m tired of oysters being marketed as aphrodisiacs – they’re fookin’ delicious, and that’s why I’ll eat 100 of them. And most of all, I’m tired of everyone denying the fact that just maybe, when the moon is full, or when the tide is red, or when the goddam pigs go soaring past your bedroom window, that they too, from time to time, are having just average sex.

Friends... no benefits. I changed my mind.

You may remember a post that argued in favor of having friends with benefits, I have since thoroughly changed my mind. Here's why:

“Tonight let’s be lovers…and tomorrow we’ll go back to being friends.”

Sorry Dave Matthews. While I fancy your rock band and appreciate the length you went to in order to solicit platonic sex from your besties, I simply cannot endorse these lyrics. (Sorry, male friends.) But I just do not think it is wise to play Mario Kart with your guy pal one night and doctor the next, unless you want your nipples handled like joysticks and a guaranteed disappointment.

If you’re loose with your definition of “friend,” say “I love you” to each of your colleagues, and blast mass text messages like it’s your job, then you will undoubtedly disagree. After all, what’s wrong with a little hanky panky from your drinking buddy next door? However, to me “friend” has a very sacred and categorical meaning. The fuzzy area surrounding is reserved for titles like “acquaintance” “buddy” or “pal.” Not “late night booty partner.” Therefore, to hook up with a friend by my definition is inherently incongruous and somewhat fraudulent. A truly, strictly platonic relationship never goes temporarily sexual. The beauty of friendship is that it is pure, transparent and resolute. To take things carnal is not only unnatural and um, awkward, but potentially blasphemous.

For those “friends with benefits” enthusiasts ready to Tonya Harding my cankles, relax. I am not judging you for giving your dude friend a ride to Pleasuretown. I’m just saying real friends don’t let each other shack up at the Howard Johnson…. or in your lofted twin XL (hah ohh freshman year).

While I don’t think boy and girl buddies can alternate between playmates and bedmates, I do believe that friendship can evolve into romance. In fact, I think this can make for a wonderful relationship. However, “friends” – girls, boys, whatever – don’t suddenly find themselves in transient, precariously intimate situations without some pre-existing feelings of sexual attraction or romantic affections, thereby disqualifying them as friends. A drunken, harmless make-out sesh, yes; an “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” exchange, highly encouraged. But if heads head south, you are more than just friends.

I admit this is the opinion of a fairly sexually conservative female: I have never been the girl who dry humps a pole in the middle of the dance floor, nor have I ever volunteered to french kiss my roommate for the last Natty Light. (For the last piece of pizza, however, I’d beat her up) So maybe there are girls out there who can straddle that friend line without complications. I also recognize that there are the inexplicable moments of weakness aptly named “I just broke up with my boyfriend” or “Spring Break Rules” or “Tequila,” and that most dudes would just as soon boink their best girlfriends than mow their lawn. These “exceptions” aside, however, I maintain that “just friends” don’t “just f*ck.”

Perhaps more importantly, while the “friends with benefits” can be a convenient and quite tempting arrangement, (aka, no dinner dates required, and bodily fluid jokes encouraged), the complications that can arise and the regrets that may surface aren’t really worth the best-of-both-worlds situation. Chances are someone is going to get hurt. One player will be more emotionally invested than the other, the benefits will trump the friend, the lines of communication will collapse under the weight of the “what did that really mean?” and unless there is a simultaneous pull-out (of the arrangement), someone will feel rejected.

The bottom line is no friendship ever improves after an impromptu scissor fest or a drunken cavity search, so the next time you and your couch buddy are feeling lonely, and perhaps a little dirty, skip the tongue bath and hit the showers, cold, and separately. You may need to help yourself out, but you’ll be much more satisfied in the long run.

Settling for Mr. Good Enough

There is that scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary, where, Bridge (as she’s called) lies on her couch, pajama-clad, bottle of vodka clutched tightly in hand bemoaning the fate of an untimely death for a single person. She worries that if she were to die, alone in her apartment, it is likely that someone may find her decomposing body three weeks later half-eaten by a German Shepard.

I too fear the fate of an untimely “single” death. I imagine my distraught mother, overcome with grief, forced to go through my things. Her sadness only magnified as she discovers the true, mind-blowing total of my credit card debt, and then the small stash of “emergency” illicit prescription drugs in my bedside table. I can see her coming to the realization that I’m not the daughter she imagined, but her image of me will truly be shattered when she opens the drawer that I use to store both my vibrators and my financial statements. I can just see the horror pass over her face, as she realizes that her daughter was not only a bit too sexually adventurous, but also was unfamiliar with exactly what a 401K is.

What my filing system says about both my sex life and my financial health will not be addressed here, but ending up alone, will. A few months ago, Lori Gottlieb penned the controversial, (almost apocalyptic) article in the Atlantic Monthly entitled “Marry Him!”, in which she implored women everywhere to forgo deep, passionate connections in favor of companionship. In other words, overlook halitosis for companionship.

Her doom and gloom outlook spawned outrage in many. But it got me to thinking, perhaps what she was saying was that things that we crave as we get older, change. And the things that seemed so far away in our twenties (like marriage and child-bearing and rearing) become realities in our thirties. So the question remains, do we break up with guys in our twenties for reasons that we would be comfortable overlooking in our thirties? Are we just too superficial, too myopic in our twenties to realize that companionship trumps bad shoes or a lack of an adventurous streak?

Interestingly, I recently found myself attempting to “overlook” a great deal in a man. I, at the ripe old age of 23, have now been single for three years, and when a guy came along whom I wouldn’t normally consider dating, I figured, perhaps I had been doing something wrong all along. I was going to throw caution to the wind and give him a go (let’s call him) Hal.

He was adventurous and liked the outdoors. I hoped that financial success would one day allow me to travel the world, learn languages, see great things. Hal, on the other hand, just wanted a pool. To be fair, he knew what kind of pool (kidney shaped, dark bottom). But point is, his dreams were dug firmly into the ground while mine flitted about somewhere between earth and Jupiter.

I overlooked all I could, but sadly, I overlooked how I really felt—which was bored and uninspired.

I found other friends of mine (also in their twenties) recently overlooking as well. One girlfriend dated a guy whose (unsavory) reputation preceded him. Another dated a guy who she knew was really just a friend, but tried to overlook the lack of chemistry.

It all brings me back to Lori Gottlieb’s mantra—“Marry him!”—but at what cost? When does compromise and understanding turn into settling?

Do you want the vows on your wedding day to read: “Being with you is better than being alone?” I mean, do you really want to close your eyes during sex, not by choice, but because you’re unattracted?

I’d like to posit a new theory—perhaps naive, and perhaps too optimistic. But maybe we date men in our twenties that we just wouldn’t consider in our thirties. Maybe in our thirties we no longer believe that we can change the a-hole, or reform the philanderer. Maybe by our thirties, we know ourselves well enough not to date the guys we would in our twenties. Maybe by then, we can see past the halitosis to a good heart. Moreover, I’d like to continue to believe that passion can turn into companionship, and we don’t have to sacrifice one for the other.

Of course, the real question that I continue to struggle with, is not when to get rid of someone, but rather, when to keep him. And that, my friends, seems to be the most difficult one of all to answer

Gay Marriage to SAVE the Institution?

Prop 8 Was recently overturned in California! Wahooo!! It got me thinking however....

Marriage isn’t a right; it’s a privilege. Depending on the time, place, and partner, getting married could be harder than getting into Harvard, if not downright impossible. As recently as fifty years ago (or if you haven't heard: if you live in particular areas of LA even today), miscegenation laws would have forbid me from marrying a man not of my race in certain areas of the United States. Before that, the legal and social benefits to getting married were denied to minorities, immigrants, and the poor for centuries. Marriage is, for lack of a better analogy, membership into the biggest country club in the world.

For me, getting married would be a personal endorsement of some of the worst societal norms in existence.

The supposed “right” to marry has never been much of a right at all, and our understanding of marriage as a basic liberty is unique to contemporary times. Thanks to my predisposition for heterosexuality, it’s a liberty I could easily exercise, but I’d much rather march in a rally than down an aisle, because I find it difficult to take part in a practice that is denied to others (plenty of them my friends). Even with the best of intentions, I can’t imagine that my own wedding will serve any purpose but to reinforce existing norms, such as the idea that a relationship is only valuable if recognized by a third-party institution.

It’s ironic, then, that I consider marriage equality an extremely important political issue, and the only one to which I’ve devoted significant time and money. Why should a feminist support the inclusion of queer people in what is historically a sexist institution? Besides the “separate but equal” disaster that civil unions create, I think same-sex marriage might just be the only way to save marriage as an institution.

Critics of marriage equality often claim that it will lead to the demise of traditional marriage, while supporters insist that nothing will change by allowing queer people to marry. Though I share little else in common with them, I agree with the former group. It’s disingenuous, or at the very least, naive, to suggest that legalizing same-sex marriage won’t threaten traditional marriage. It absolutely will, and I hope it does. Traditional marriage is an institution that has historically treated women as property and men as property owners. It has fueled our culture’s obsession with virginity and female purity, while justifying the rape of child brides and the battering of women who dare to not serve their husbands. A half-century’s worth of gender equality under Western law neither creates equality in practice nor does it negate thousands of years of subjugation.

Recognizing same-sex relationships may very well be the only thing that can keep marriage a relevant social institution. Same-sex marriage subverts the gender roles that have dominated marriage — and by extension, society — for the great majority of human history. Every gay marriage is a statement against antiquated roles and practices we’ve come to take for granted. (Who, for example, walks down the aisle in a gay wedding ceremony?) Marriage is far more appealing a notion when I think of queer couples getting hitched without white dresses and gendered proposals. Accepting gay marriage also means rejecting one of the most enduring aspects of traditional marriage: its exclusivity. No longer would marriage be a privilege of the appropriately heterosexual.

I’m not holding my breath, but if this long-suffering institution changes, then perhaps my opinion of it will too. Because frankly, I wish I could get married. I wish I could don a white wedding gown without having to think about its sexually repressive implications as much as I wish I lived in a society without prerequisites for legal recognition of romantic relationships. Unfortunately, that isn’t this society, at least not yet. Perhaps we’ll never get there in my lifetime, but if that’s the case, then to paraphrase Groucho Marx, I wouldn’t want to join a club that would have me as a member anyway.

Picky

Someone once told me that the reason I’m still single is because my standards are too high. I laughed in her face, flipping through a mental catalog of the disgusting creatures who’ve woken up in my bed. “Au contraire,” I told her. “I think my standards are non existent.”

But the other night when my roommates were MIA and I was alone in the living room enjoying a large McFlurry while watching the latest on Rachel Maddow and facebooking, I started reflecting on my dating past and why none of those boys are in my dating present. I grabbed a piece of paper (Ok, the back of a Chinese takeout menu…it was closer) and began listing all of the guys I’ve dated.

To my horror, the list had more dishes than the Chinese menu it was written on.

Next to each name I wrote down why that particular dude didn’t work out. Only a few on the list consisted of “d-bag didn’t call me back,” or “didn't know his real name,” but the rest were my own doing. And after seeing it all written down on paper, I began to see my friend may have been right.

Reasons I’ve rejected boys:

- Too much body hair.
- Too pre-puebsecent (not enough body hair)
- Ugly Glasses
- Watched Fox news, ewwwww
- Not geographically possible (lived > 10kms away from me)
- Owns and wears a pair of Jorts (jean shorts)
- Wears far too much jewelery
- Too skinny.
- Too Religious
- Too fat
- Was from a boring place
- Was boring
- Owns and Loves Guns
- Has animal heads in house
- Jack rabbit sex.
- Says LOL online. And in person.
- Crocs
- had trouble pronouncing his "r"s
- Weird Teeth
- Doesn’t know who Chelsea Handler is.
- Serious drinking problem

Ok, so that last one is a pretty legitimate concern, but seeing the rest down on paper made me feel ridiculous. (And seeing it next to #12 – Mongolian Beef – made me hungry.) Maybe my standards are too high when it comes to finding a boyfriend. Yes, my "sure I'll make-out with ya" standards consist merely of “will he get in the taxi with me?” hahah just joking!! BUT, seriously... I am unrealistically picky when it comes to something more.

Maybe a little Republican will help balance my ideas ( I hope not), maybe Crocs are as comfortable as they are ugly, maybe just maybe going to church/mosque/synagogue/temple on Sunday could be... errrrhhhmmm fun?

I’m beginning to realize that maybe I wouldn’t spend so much time with Maccas soft serve if I didn’t let such petty things get to me. Jewelery can be removed, but McFlurry on my thighs lasts forever.

How To Be a Good Republican (The Late Governor Ann Richards of TX)

Ann Richards on How to Be a Good Republican:

Watched an Ann Richards speech excerpt in class recently-- reminded me of how fantastic she was :)

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

Older Men----> The Way to Go

BAHAHAHA-- not that old--I am only kidding. But I think 28 is a magical number, and on a guy’s 28th birthday, there is some miraculous explosion in his head where he realizes, “Oh my, maybe it’s time to stop being a douchebag!” After four years of going through the motions of college dating, I decided to give older men a try.

I am never going back.

First, I’ll explain the downside, and if you can make it past that, then it’s possible an older man might be just what you’re looking for.

If you’re looking for a fling, this is usually NOT the type of relationship for you, unless otherwise explicitly stated.

Older men are also more likely to come with baggage — like ex-wives/fiances or LONG term gfs and/or children.

Also, I always have this lingering fear that they will somehow find me, or the things I do, or like, or say, to be utterly childish. I always have this suspicion lurking in the back of my mind that they’re saying to themselves, “Oh how naïve and cute she is.”

On the other hand, I love the fact that they know how to order at a restaurant — and that they even have a restaurant in mind that they’d like to try. For that matter, I like the fact that they know what they like and what they don’t like and aren’t still running around experimenting with whatever comes their way.

I like the fact that an older man can take a common sense approach to things, an approach that balances my own headstrong impulsiveness.

Some more positives:

1. They have JOBS.

2. They are much more eager to please (in bed and elsewhere)

3. More emotional and relational maturity

4. They know more about the world, i.e. can have intelligent conversations on a variety of subjects.

Are you a convert yet?

By the way, I am not looking for a father figure. I have one already, thank you very much, and we are very close. I am looking for a real man, that’s all. Someone who isn’t going to play games, and who has moved (hopefully) beyond the immature jealousies and strutting around of younger men. I like someone who really knows how to hold a woman, and who knows how to relate to her like the individual that she is.

Maybe I just had bad luck. Maybe I just picked the wrong guys my own age. And as much as it goes against my need for the new and exciting, I like the stability and safety of someone who doesn’t need to have his ego pumped, who has his own life, and wants to be with me just because he enjoys spending the time. There is nothing more amazing than the connection of two brains on the same level. You should try it sometime.

Juggling More Than One Man During the "Dating Phase"

Recently, I've been reading "It's Just a Date" by the authors of the classic and beloved "He's Just Not That Into You." It talks about dating multiple people at once-- and while I thought that was such a sin before-- now I am totally game and believe there is no other way to do dating.

Dating is a period for two people to get to know one another. Dating is not the same thing as a relationship. A relationship is what comes after dating. It is important to get to know someone before you make a commitment to them. The only people that should jump into relationships are high school kids because they don’t know any better. I remember in the ninth grade a boy asked me to be his girlfriend during lunch. We passed a couple of notes on a lovely Winter afternoon and then after school I broke up with him. If we would’ve gone out on a date or two then I wouldn’t have made that commitment to be his girlfriend because I would’ve known he had some serious hygiene issues and a serious case of missing personality disorder.

Dating is a process that can be short or long. It is based on how short or fast two people get to know each other. When two people date, they get all the obvious questions out of the way. The obvious answers are what help a person determine if a relationship could start. Once a relationship starts, it’s the hard answers to questions that determine if the relationship can last.

If a woman (or man) decides to date more than one person, they need to be honest with the people they are dating. And let's be clear-- you are not in a relationship until you've actually discussed that you are no longer interested in dating anyone else and would like to see the other person monogamously. There are no gray areas, so kindas, no maybes, sortas o buts--- to be frank-- HALFWAY DOESN'T COUNT. It needs to be clear that a commitment has not been made. If one of the two people dating wants a commitment, then she or he should decide to commit to that relationship or move on.

Plus-- despite how much we dread dating-- it can actually be quite fun and ridiculously straightforward. Go on a few dates-- have a few dinners- a couple of drinks and then you decide. If you go win with the mindset that the majority of dates are going to be nothing but just that.... a date-- then everything else is a complete surprise! Happy dating!

The fine line between being "needy" and having no dignity

Needy. Ugh. That one word can make any guy run for miles, and being labeled as such is every girl’s worst nightmare. It’s funny in the movies; we can all roll on the floor laughing when a character leaves a guy seventeen voicemails in a row (“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”) or assumes that an invite to a party is a declaration of love (“He’s Just Not That Into You”), but the reason it is so funny is because it’s based in some very real, very painful truth.

But being that needy in real life, is not funny.

The problem is that so many girls in our generation are so terrified that some boy might call them needy that the line between being needy and having respect for oneself has blurred. A friend, let’s call her Laura, currently has those two confused, and she is driving me insane. Laura has been kind of in a thing (i.e. the 21st century version of dating) with this guy, we’ll call him Brad, since some time in February. Brad is, to put it nicely, not the world’s most considerate guy. He’ll make plans with her and bail at the last minute, say he’ll talk to her tomorrow and disappear for weeks with no communication, hell, he almost forgot to even say “Happy Birthday!” to her.

It is painful to watch Laura let this guy treat her like that, and we’ve all tried to help her see how poorly he’s treating her on her own. The problem is that she has been a little needy in the past, and she is so terrified of being labeled ‘needy’ again that she won’t even stand up for herself!

The poor girl just doesn’t see the difference between being needy and getting a the respect she deserves.

Needy is expecting to hang out with the person you’re dating all the time.
Needy is being mad that he won’t skip boys’ night to try a new sushi place with you.

Needy is not expecting the guy you’re dating to call when he says he will.
It is not needy to expect him to follow through on what he says he is going to do, or call him out on it if it happens frequently.
It is not needy to want a defined relationship status so you know what’s going on.

There is a gray area somewhere between being WAY too needy and having no self respect, and it is in that area that real, healthy relationships lie. Where there’s some give and take, some compromise and some mutual respect. Laura and Brad are not in that area and I just need to find a way to show her that it exists and that it’s not “needy” to want to be there.

Text Messages are Murdering Real Romance

One of the ways you can date a movie is by observing the telephone usage of the characters. For instance, how many chick flicks have you seen where Mom answers the phone and it’s, swoon!, Bobby from the football game calling to speak with Megan. Does Meg play hard to get and pretend like she’s not home? Will Mom jot down a message and stick it to the fridge? Maybe Megan grabs the phone up in her room and excitedly twirls the cord around her finger as she accepts Bobby’s invitation to dinner.

In every dorm room and apartment I’ve shared with friends, I’ve wanted to get a communal landline and implement the message corkboard. Of course I never voiced my desires, but it all seemed so…quaint. In my head I pictured us all going out to the bar on Friday night and waking up Saturday afternoon to a barrage of post-its sporting guys’ names and numbers. Maybe we’d even have a color-coded system. Red for hottie, blue nottie, pink for potentially gay.

In reality, Saturday afternoons were spent on the couch watching Housewives marathons and being jarred out of a trance as our cell phones vibrated and beeped. Todd says: “Nice 2 meet U last nite. Going out agn?” Mark says: “Wut up?”

I’ve been there, and I’d bet ten dollar-beers that you’ve been there, too. The sad part is, we’ll respond, albeit halfheartedly, knowing exactly what they’re getting at. “Going out again?” is code for “Wanna make out tonight if we happen to be wasted at the same place at the same time?” and a seemingly innocent “What’s up?” is the product of a moronic mind who has nothing more interesting to say to the goddess of a woman he met over Vodka lime and sodas last night.

Even worse is the moment when you get a text-friendly guy physically in front of you. Inanimate objects have more personality! He was a big hotshot when he had his phone to do the wooing (“I kno the bouncer, I'll buy you a drink”; “You looked so hott in that dress”) but now he’s all sweaty hands shoved in pockets and shuffling feet. Being the mature adult you are, you ask his major, maybe where he’s from. One-word answers and glassy eyes, that’s what you get in response. And to think, you wasted a good 15 texts on this guy.

Next!

Now, the Huffington Post is reporting that text messaging is quickly replacing spoken communication. WTF, peeps? What has texting done to us? I know it’s easier, quicker, and less awkward than a phone call, but come on! Do you think Angelina got Brad by pix-messaging him pictures of her boobs? You better believe she knows the power of a flirtatious touch and a well-timed batting of her eyelashes. And that world famous lip pucker doesn’t translate via cell.

Nearly every woman dreams of possessing the wiles of Ange, ScarJo, Halle, or Miss Diaz. You chase the dream of being one of these universally drooled-upon sexual icons. In the name of self improvement, you drop hundreds of dollars every year on magazines just to get tips on how to impress quality guys and “find out what they’re really thinking.” Have you ever stopped to consider maybe the real 10s think you’re a future cat lady who needs to ditch the Blackberry and learn to flirt in real time? Or that maybe you’ve already got what it takes if you would just get out from behind that little key pad and pick up the phone when face time isn’t an option. Picture all the women you admire sitting in their sweatpants agonizing over whether to text " See you later” or “See you later babe”. It’s not happening. In all likelihood, the girls getting the guys aren’t the ones with bed head and rapid-type thumbs, they’re the ones out there using their humor and well-timed hair flips to make it happen.

Now I know some of you are out there crying out how you had an intense heart-to-heart with a guy just last week! Please look back and reassess the situation: were you sitting on a curb or porch, smoking a cigarette, holding a beer in one hand your heels in another? Drunken admissions do not count for quality conversation.

To all you text-aholics this probably sounds harsh, but sometimes tough love is the best kind. Texting is not communicating – it’s avoiding real communication. If you want to build relationships you’ve got to put down the phone and talk to someone already!

I'm Just Not That Into Him Either

One of my biggest pet peeves with the male population is when a guy doesn’t call back. Yes, I know that I should take a hint from He’s Just Not That Into You and know that no call = no interest, but it still makes me mad.

If a guy says he’s gonna call, then he should call. And if he’s not interested, then he should just suck it up, be a man, and tell me. I’m an adult – I can handle it. I who would rather have a definitive answer than be left wondering.

And wonder I do.

I can’t help it. As much as I know in my head that guys would call if they are interested, my heart takes control of the situation and I am left laying by the phone, willing it to ring. Or running to it every time it does in hopes that said boy has finally mustered up the courage to give me a buzz, only to be left disappointed when it’s my mother…again…calling to ask me what's new (read: secretly hoping for even just minor progression in regards to my sorry/pathetic love life)?

And then the tables turned.

I met a guy at the bar and in my booze-y haze I thought he was charming, cute and hilarious. We talked the whole night, immediately hit it off, did a lot of obnoxious making out at the bar (the kind that you normally scoff at when others do it so publicly) and exchanged numbers.

But I digress. The point is, after spending some time with him the next day I realized that he was none of the things I was attracted to the night before. I just wasn’t that into him.

I gave him my number in the morning knowing full well I would never call him back. What else was I supposed to do? Refuse when he asked for it? Lie and tell him I don’t do that whole cell phone thing? Yeah right. Then I kissed him goodbye and told him we’d talk soon. I know I didn’t mean it, but I didn’t know what else to say.

When he called me two days later to see if I wanted to come to his house party, I didn’t answer the call. Or the text. Or the Facebook friend request. “He’ll get the point,” I thought to myself. And so I never called back and awkwardly avoided him every time I saw him thereafter.

I didn’t realize what I was doing until a friend pointed it out to me. “You’re doing the same thing to him that you hate when guys do to you.”

Hm. I had never thought of it that way. It just felt so much different on this side of things; it made sense. Why hurt someone’s feelings by telling them you aren’t interested (or even figure out how to tell them that) when you can just ignore them and hope they get the point? Everyone knows that if you are interested you’d call back, so they should totally know that a lack of call-back means you aren’t into them. And you didn’t have to say anything/have an awkward conversation! It’s the perfect scenario.

Well, minus that whole “suck it up and be a man” thing. But I can’t help it; it’s just. so. easy. And they’ll get the point…eventually.

No Aphrodisiac Like Loneliness...

Watch out-- the single girl might be throwing in the towel.....

With the exception of a short love affair that ended via text message, of which my lover addressed to the wrong girl, I’ve been single three long years. And, until now, I’ve been totally OK with that, in fact I've enjoyed a lot of it. I’ve really gotten to figure myself out; my good qualities (I’m incredibly generous to those I love) and my not-so-good qualities (I’m what some people might refer to as a judgmental snobby bitch).

While finding a boyfriend has always been on my “things that would be nice” list (along with winning the lottery and looking like Carrie Underwood), it was never something that I was actively seeking. I don’t mind spending time by myself. I don’t mind making independent decisions, in fact i prefer them. I don’t mind doing everything I want when I want, including watching The Hills in my underwear, complete with face mask, and hair treatment turban-- eating a bowl of Lucky Charms.

But as of earlier this evening, as I was doing just that, something happened. When Justin Bobby handed Kristin his rocker leather coat and snuggled up to her as they watched the sunset I actually started crying. Yes, crying. Over an annoying fake couple on a bullsh*t show. SERIOUSLY.

“I want that,” I thought to myself, as I used my sleeve to wipe snot from my upper lip.

My reaction surprised me. I had no idea how badly I wanted a boyfriend, but the tears-turned-deep-sobbing were telling another story. And then I realized that there were many other aspects of my life that were equally as telling.

Yeah, after taking a deeper look, I’ve realized that I am most definitely ready for a boyfriend. And by “ready,” I mean, “I’m sick of watching Sunday night TV alone and I need someone to play with my hair while I lay on their lap…now.”

Not sure if you’re ready? Here are a few tell-tale signs your jonesing for a BF:

1. Commercials for Kay Jewelers make you cry.
2. Your DVR'd (recorded) show list is full of movies starring Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts.
3. You lay a pillow lengthwise next to you in bed so it feels like someone else is lying next to you. BAHAHAHA-- girls don't pretend you haven't
4. You start dressing up to run errands on the off-chance that you may run into your future husband.
5. You check Craigslist Missed Connections religiously to see if that cute guy you saw on your errands felt the connection too.
6. You play "what would you rather" for hours with your BFF- comparing ideal circumstances for hours on Sunday-- you even tear up when she describes the scenario of your engagement
7. You silently curse happy couples kissing/holding hands/breathing in public
8. You play around with the thought of an arranged indian marriage easily found online-- www.jevansaathi.com in case you were wondering (you can pick caste and everything).
9. You break down and cry in the bathroom when your family members ask about your dating life.
10. You crave cuddles more than sex.

Please feel free to add.

M. Tracey Brooks' : It's All About Choice (fantastic read!)

Have you noticed? They're speaking our language. Who is "they" and what language are they speaking? They are people who rail against abortion. The language they are speaking is "choice."

On numerous occasions, former Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin has spoken of the decisions and choices she and her daughter made to carry their pregnancies to term.

In a Sept. 1, 2009 statement on the birth of her first grandchild, born to her then-18-year old daughter, Palin said: '"We're proud of Bristol's decision to have her baby."

In a speech before more than 3,000 people in Evanston, In. on April 16, 2009, she talked about finding out she was pregnant while at an out-of-state meeting and briefly thought about abortion. "There, just for a fleeting moment, I thought, I knew, nobody knows me here. Nobody would ever know. I thought, wow, it is easy," she said. "It could be easy to think maybe of trying to change the circumstances. . . No one would ever know," she added.

More recently, during a public speaking engagement, Sara Palin described her discovery that her son would be born with Down syndrome. Palin told the audience "I now understand why a woman would be tempted, perhaps, to think it might be an easier way out, to say, 'I can take this in my own hands and change this, if even for a moment.' I can understand because I've been there.'"

Pam Tebow, mother of former Florida Gator's football player Tim Tebow, talks openly about her doctor's conclusion that her pregnancy was high risk and his recommendation to terminate the pregnancy to protect her life. Medical information about her condition was made clear during consultations with her doctor, her options and risks were identified, and she made the decision -- the choice -- to continue her pregnancy.

The Palins, the Tebows and many other women and families made their decisions after receiving complete information about their choices -- their options. Shouldn't all women receive comprehensive information about their pregnancies and their options and make the decision that is right for them, as these women did?

It's all about choices

What the pro-choice community has been saying for years is what the other side seems to be saying now: Women and families need to make the decisions that are best for them.

Where the two sides differ is in determining who gets to be part of that decision-making process. Is it the pregnant woman or her anti-choice neighbor? Is it her health care provider or her elected official? This is the crux of the pro-choice movement. We believe and practice, with resounding conviction, that only a woman can make such decisions upon receiving all relevant health information from her health care provider. It is also up to her who else should be included in the decision-making process -- be it her partner, her family, her friends, her clergyperson.

The pro-choice community wants all women and families to have access to full options counseling when faced with an unintended pregnancy or when a pregnancy has gone awry. A woman will learn that she has many forms of support available to her whether she decides to continue or to end her pregnancy.

Family planning health care centers begin providing support from the moment a pregnant woman walks through the door. They work with them to get the health care, economic and social support necessary for a successful pregnancy and beyond. Or, for women who choose abortion, these health care centers provide quality, compassionate care, as well as support to help them plan future pregnancies. This includes contraception counseling and other health care that can positively impact health incomes for women.

Sarah Palin made a choice. Pam Tebow made a choice. Yet, they wish to prevent others from having the same information and choices available to them. Being pro-choice means we are glad they made the decision that was best for them and for their families. We simply want others to have those same choices, as well.

Statistically Speaking- I'll be single forever....

In a last ditch attempt to further procrastinate studying for finals, I was stumbling through some websites when I found this random statistic that literally blew my mind:

Only 12% of hookups eventually lead to relationships. TWELVE PERCENT.

Being a girl who has had her fair share of hookups and is still single, I don’t know why that statistic was so shocking to me. But it was. I stared at that one line for 10 minutes. Only 12%. 12 percent. That means 88% of hook ups lead to nothing but a walk of shame and that awkward post-hook up interaction when you have to return his basketball shorts.

It’s just pretty shocking when you see it laid out like that. Especially when you consider the fact that the whole hook up culture has become the dominant way of interacting and “dating” in your twenties. It makes me think twice about all those weekend convos with my girlfriends when we gush about whatever boy we made out with the night before. We all talk and plan and are convinced it’s going to turn into something bigger; after all, So and So met started going out with her long-term boyfriend after a hook up. It is possible.

But it’s not. At least for the majority of us. And now, it feels so pointless when you know that probably nothing real is going to come out of it.

Now, I have totally been guilty of some innocent, feelings-free hook-ups, and, yes, they can be SO much fun in the moment. But the fact is, while we girls can enjoy a random hook up or two, most of us (don’t get mad at me, I know that this is not true of ALL girls) do eventually want a boyfriend. And following a guy back to his apartment for a night of fun is clearly not the way we’re going to find one.

This statistic was a very big wake up call for me; it made me realize that I don’t really want the casual thing anymore. I want more than just friends with benefits or casual dating. I want a real relationship, one where he really knows me before we hop into bed together….

The problem is, if the hook up culture is how the majority of twenty-somethings interact, what am I supposed to do?

Man With A Plan

I have a really good friend in Sydney who beyond being one of the most intellectual people I know, fascinates me in her ability to answer tough questions and solve the problems of society by employing sound uncomplicated logic. Ignore all extraneous variables- "Ellen Logic" is the way of the future. Here, I am going to solve one of the most common issues that come up in relationships using "Ellen Logic".

You see, when it comes to dating, men should make the plans. I think this would solve a lot of dating drama. Men have a natural knack for making plans, be them devising Halo strategies, bank heists, or religious genocide. But I’m not here to reinforce gender norms, much. I’m just making a decision that I think will benefit everyone. Men should make bold, creative, and romantic plans. In return, women should have fun. Because dating is fun. What did I write? Yes: dating is fun. It’s giggles and burping butterflies, and like any adventure it can end with a daring escape from a troll. Fun! Sometimes women make their dating lives sound like “The Passion of The Christ,” - it doesn't have to be this complicated-- I PROMISE!

It’s a classic case of “win/win” if we can all agree than men should make the plans. Men get to save a buck. Women get proof that the man is capable of thinking about her when she’s not around. Simple! I have a theory, backed up by statistics I just made up, that 103 percent of women are overworked and 89.527 percent of men are underworked. Women are high-strung and men are Jell-o salads. During The Manic Recession, more men were laid off. Economic turmoil causes anxiety. Anxiety is caused by a loss of control. The Average Joe can’t control the fluctuations of the global financial system.

But you know what a man can control? Making a plan. A little creativity can save a lot of scratch. Especially when wooing a woman. Wooing women is, frankly, the whole point of a man's life as far as I’m concerned. I’m pretty sure man was not put on this Earth to perfect the “pizza taco.” Seriously. The first bridge was built by a man who had to cross a river to get to a prehistoric hottie. Men move mountains, swim seas and save the planet all to win the favor of the lady. Making the date night plan is part of this noble tradition.

And I’m stressing the money factor because if one guy who’s a little insecure about his finances reads this, and decides to, say, scan the newspaper to look for a free gallery opening to take a date to, then I will swell with pride. A single hot sauce tear will roll down my baremineralled cheek. But seriously: free gallery openings are great. We, chicks dig that stuff. There’s a gallery here in the station (Benjamin Knox) that boasts some interesting works of Aggieland-- that also happens to be attached to the greatest affordable italian cafe in a 50 Kilometer radius.

I hear women complain that the men in their lives don’t make plans. That these dudes are apathetic. Conversations go like this: “What do you want to do tomorrow night?” He shrugs and says, “I dunno.” Women get frustrated by this, express said frustration, and are immediately dismissed as “nags.” But I know better. "Ellen Logic" tells me that plans are proof that a man is capable of holding you in his head and heart when you’re not there in the flesh. Out of sight, but still on the mind. It’s nice to be thought about. This is settled then. Men make the plans. Women go out with those men. Everybody is happy. Dating is fun!

I love it when a plan comes together. Don't you?

Laughter

Mr. Big: After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.

Are the Best Relationships Rooted in Friendship?

There's nothing quite like feeling a spark of attraction between you and someone you just met. Lately though, we've (my friends and I- both in AUS and USA) been wondering whether it's better to date a friend, or at least somebody we've known longer than just a couple of weeks, and who knows more about us than just our name and phone number. Sure, the transition from friend-to-boyfriend might feel a little sticky at first, but here are five benefits that overrule the awkwardness:

>1. He's familiar with your bad side.
Let's face it, during the first few months of dating someone new, it's easy to hold yourself together and pretend like you don't have a dark side (everybody has one). You downplay your insecurities in hopes that he won't see you as clingy, and you suppress the fact that you occasionally get moody, jealous, or pointlessly angry. With a friend-to-boyfriend, he's not only aware of your personal weaknesses, but he knows how to respond to them in a way that is constructive to the relationship and to your desire to improve yourself. On that same note, you're already aware of his bad fashion sense, his terrible jokes, and his strange fondness for theatre. Heck, you realize you like him all the more for the quirks you might find annoying in someone else.

2. You're more or less aware of each other's relationship history.
You have probably discussed your past relationships with the ease and honesty that friends share, which means you'll have a very clear idea of what to expect if indeed your pal becomes your main man.

3. You're comfortable with each other.
It takes a few weeks (if not longer) to feel completely relaxed around someone new. Should you eat ice cream from the container in front of him? Should you reveal that you're a twentysomething who still rereads Harry Potter on occasion? When dating someone who started out as a friend, you can skip the neurotic "I need to impress him" phase and go straight to wearing no makeup and nerding out together on Saturdays spent indoors.

4. It's exciting.
Dating a friend might seem less glamorous than falling in love at first sight, but what's more suspenseful than decoding a friend's flirty mixed signals for signs of romantic intentions? If the relationship goes well, you'll be swept away at how a good friend turned out to be an even better boyfriend.

5. There's always something to talk about.
We've all dated someone with whom we spent more time getting hot-and-heavy than in conversation. The moment of truth inevitably arrives during a long car ride, when you have no choice but to put on the radio because the two of you have no common interests. Aren't you ready for someone who still makes for good company even after the passion starts to plateau? Plus, just imagine the energy that you and a friend-turned-boyfriend will share after months (even years!) of pent-up romantic tension.

I know I'm not the only one who might be on to something with this whole dating-a-friend idea. Check out what our lovely First Lady Obama shared with Oprah in The Christmas At The White House special about her marriage with Barack:

I think we have a wonderful marriage. I love my husband. He's my best friend. But I always like to talk honestly about it because I think about other young couples who think there are no struggles to get here. And there are. That's part of it. The message is—work through the struggles. Start out with somebody that you respect and that you trust so that when you hit the bumps that are inevitable you always have that foundation. I tell Barack as mad as he can make me I look at him and I say, 'I really LIKE you. I like you. and I like the way you think and I like the person you are.' It's hard to stay mad too long, when the person is someone you like. (and when your husband is as sexy and successfull as Barack)

Wasting Time

Whenever I happen to look up from the piles and stacks of work on my desk (aka the living room table), flip through (mostly) bad TV, or go out with friends to a bar where I usually can’t afford more than a house white, the same realization dawns on me time and time again. Everyone is pairing off! …or at least, trying to.

Today’s gimmie gimmie NOW society doesn’t have much patience when it comes to finding a significant other. Casual hook-ups are becoming more and more acceptable, and internet dating is allowing us to meet tons of people in insanely quick succession. With all the opportunities swarming around us, almost every movie or television show we watch featuring a love story, and bestsellers like He’s Just Not That Into You and 365 Proven Ways to Find Love in Less Than a Year giving any and all advice you could ever desire in the area of dating (though my girl Olivia rightly points out such “advice” isn’t always right…or even close to it), it’s hard to imagine a life that doesn’t include a partner.

And while I don’t want to go Dr. Phil on everyone (especially because I hate that man with the power of one hundred suns. What an egotistical geek), I’m willing to conjecture that one of the reasons we’re all so dating-focused is because we’re all so dating focused. Society has made those of us who aren’t in a relationship, and especially those of us who haven’t been in a relationship for a while, feel like a leper on a nudist beach; ostracized and weird and completely undesirable.

Because no one wants to feel like a leper, a lot of people turn to casual dating. Going out a few times with someone you’re just eh or okay about is better than being alone on Friday night, right? Chilling out with someone you have no intention of bringing home to the parents is a step above chilling out with bunny slippers and Discovery channel, right?

For some people, sure. I have lots of friends who do the casual dating thing very well. They enjoy it. And I’ve done it. Sure I have. Even my mom recommended I get out there and “just date!”

But here’s my problem—I don’t like it. It doesn’t make sense to me. In my opinion, going out with someone I don’t really care about is wasting everyone’s time, and God forbid some dude who didn’t care that much decided to date me just because his mother told him he needed to get out more. I’m one of those girls who plays for keeps, or doesn’t play at all.

Because of this desired game plan, and a schedule that often keeps me on the run to the point where I see weekends as opportunities to sleep and eat something that isn’t a meal replacement bar, I have found myself without a relationship for some time. And while I’m pretty good at loving myself, I gotta say, sometimes even I have moments where I’m checking to see if my skin is falling off. (Get it? The leprosy analogy again.)

I’ve gone out with people and nothing has clicked. I’ve fallen in hardcore luv with dudes who didn’t really know I existed, had to say no to guys who felt something when I didn’t, and gone to bars where not one person has been interesting. What does that say about me?

At my lowest, in those half pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream by myself moments, I think it means I’m weird and not hot and destined to be alone forever. During my more lucid moments, I think it means I have standards, know what I want in a man, and am normal.

Just because Carrie Bradshaw dated a new man every night (She also lived in what looked like a 4 million dollar Manhattan apartment on a writer’s salary) doesn’t mean that you have to. Just because some of your friends date around a lot doesn’t mean you’re strange for opting to study or stay home.

No matter what our culture tries to throw at you, ladies, stick to your own standards and beliefs. And always remember that Society is just a smoke screen anyway, an elaborate Pay-No-Attention-To-The-Man-Behind-The-Curtain type of act. If you pulled away those curtains, looked at who was behind those movies and those shows and those books and those magazines, you know what you’d find?

Single, unattached people who feel just as weird about it as you.

Elements

After discussing with my wise friend Ellen what's important when it comes to love- she replied with " Love is not gazing into each other's eyes- it standing side by side looking in the same direction" I cannot agree more with the brilliance of this statement and wish to expand on it and the ideal partner. Okay, you’re however old you are. I get it. You’re not thinking about settling down.

But it is important to avoid dating complete losers, right? I wish somebody had asked me this- about 8 boyfriends ago!


He’s Got To Have A Good Sense of Humor

Number one. Laughing is so so very important. Because, girls, if he’s cranky and depressive now at the ripe age of what- 22? 23?, imagine how he’ll be in the Real World when he’s actually got Real Life responsibilities. (Read: He’ll suck.) Besides, why would you want to hang around someone who doesn’t make you laugh (or who doesn’t laugh at your jokes)?

He’s Got A Passion

If he says that his passion is you, get out fast. He better have some outside interests or else you’re in trouble. I mean, unless you like clingy men who bug the hell out of you every time you’re not near them and/or go into jealous rages. And you also want to know that he’s really dedicated to something because that shows an eagerness to make a place for himself in this world. If you want to be with a drifting loser, you might as well date the aspiring cameraman or "world-traveler:. If you’re into that, cool, but I say it gets old really fast.

You Share A Lifestyle

Which is not to say you have to do the same things or act the same way or anything like that. Hey, sometimes opposites attract. But if you love a beer or seven down at the pub and he’s adamantly anti-alcohol, you’ll find yourselves fighting over it all the time. There’s no way around that. Unless, of course, you compromise on something you care about and end up resenting each other. Make sure you both understand and respect the things that are important to each other.

Fixer-Uppers Can’t Be Fixed

So don’t bother with someone you think could be cool if you could just help them out with that nasty little credit problem (or whatever). People don’t change unless they want to change. Don’t bother trying.

A Good Reputation

Or at least not a bad reputation. If everyone knows this guy loves ‘em and leaves ‘em, it’s not worth the emotional agony of hoping that this one time he’ll stay true. (Hint: he won’t.)

Attractive Features

That is to say, features you find attractive. If you like him, you’ll find him attractive even if others don’t, and then you should go for it. If you don’t find him attractive, it’ll never work. Really.

Long Term Goals

It almost doesn’t matter what they are, you just want him to have something in mind. This shows maturity. And don’t we want maturity? I mean, maturity means having an understanding of the world and your place within it. I love an ambitious man. I love a successful man. I love a powerful man. I love Bill Clinton-- kidding I mean i do-- but that's not the point.

Don't waste your time and your heart on things you know aren't worth it. Take time to develop and understand yourself better. There are worse things than being single. In fact I don't know if there are better things than being single. Get it? Got it? Good. Date away!

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Teen Mom

Throughout the years, MTV has thrown some bizarre ideas for reality shows our way. Some catch the attention of the nation while others fall through the cracks. While watching MTV I often find myself screaming at the TV, “WHAT is the point of this show??” Entertainment value, usually. That is if you can call watching guys pick a date based on the underwear a girl has in her drawer, entertainment. (Thanks, Room Raiders). However, what about the shows that may have actually been created for a real reason?

Let’s rewind. Teen Mom. Yes, like most people, I am intrigued. I am still trying to figure out what Catelynn has that I don’t (besides braces, a trailer, and a 1995 JCPenny homecoming dress) that makes Tyler choose HER over me. SO unfair. But back to my point: as I watched the finale of Teen Mom and the reunion episode with Dr. Drew, I’m really starting to wonder what MTV was trying to do with this show.

Was it for entertainment value? Sure, listening to Gary recite a definition of the word “empathy” during the finale was extremely entertaining, but teen pregnancy is a huge issue; is MTV trying to take a stance? Are they trying to educate teens about the horrors of teen pregnancy? Maybe trying to prevent it? You would think by airing this show, MTV could position themselves as advocates to prevent teen pregnancy and use the show as an education tool, while also providing entertainment.

And if that was the intent, I have a couple issues with how it was seen through.

Personally, I did not find the show realistic. Throughout the season, Farrah was the only teen mom who did not have the baby’s father in the picture. I’m not implying that the other moms are leading ideal lives with their outstanding boyfriends, but Catelynn, Amber, and Maci all got pregnant by their boyfriend at the time. These were guys that they were having consensual sex with regularly. Although Gary and Ryan may go down in history as two of the worst boyfriends ever, throughout the season they are shown trying to make their relationships “work” in the best interest of their new child.

Farrah, on the other hand, although not with the father of her child, lives at home with her mother and father. It is evident that Farrah has grown up pretty fortunately and has an extremely comfortable living situation. The “hardships” Farrah faces include not being able to party with her friends all the time, and not being able to find a boyfriend who is ready to date a girl with a kid. Yes these things might be difficult for her, but in the scheme of teen pregnancy they are quite trivial. Her parents are always there to help out, and support her both emotionally and financially. The same is true for the rest of the teen moms on the show.

If MTV was trying to educate about teen pregnancy and the perils of dealing with it, why not show girls who are even less fortunate? What about the ones out there who are really on their own? There are plenty of girls who come from uneducated, broken families, who get pregnant and have no escape, and no chance at a better life. Some live their whole lives on welfare and in many cases do not know who the father is. My feeling is that MTV chose these specific moms because the typical viewer could relate to them better than a girl whose life has really been ruined by teen pregnancy. If this is the case, then why didn’t MTV even show how truly hard raising a child as a teenager is? There is not one clip throughout the whole season of one of the moms staying up the whole night with a crying baby, or cleaning up vomit. I don’t want to go as far as to say that MTV “glamorized” being a teen mom, but I don’t think the show will leave any viewers thinking “Oh my god, this CANNOT happen to me, I better take precaution.”

And speaking of precaution, MTV never hit on the topic of prevention. I don’t remember any of the girls being interviewed as to why birth control was not used during sex. Was it a one time slip-up with no condom? Too afraid to ask their parents? No resources? These questions never surfaced throughout the season. And furthermore, I find it extremely unrealistic to not mention abortion on the topic of teen pregnancy. The a-word was non-existent throughout the series, but in reality, it is an option. Most people have strong opinions on the subject, being either completely against it or for it. But just because it would have stirred up controversy, does that mean MTV should have ignored it completely? If they wanted to use their power to educate teens and lay all the options on the table, why wasn’t it even mentioned?

So besides making me fall in love with Tyler, what was MTV’s purpose in producing this show? Do you think they portrayed teen pregnancy realistically? Share your thoughts, peeps!

Awkwardness and Your Ex: Inevitable

Sorry guys, I typed in awkward to Google Image and this is what came up-- pretty awkward! Had to use it. Anyways....

So that's that. It's over. After a year, or a month, three wonderful (or not) weeks or an uncomfortable plate of scrambled eggs at iHop, you and your significant other have called it quits. Maybe you ended it, maybe your beloved called it off, or maybe the magic you two created beneath spilt beer and the ghetto disco ball at Daisy Dukes last night evaporated in the harsh, rainbow glare of morning light.

However the relationship fell apart, there is one thing you two will always have together, and no, it isn't fond memories or chlamydia. For the rest of your time at Texas A&M, it will be awkward between you. Yes, yes, I can assure you of this.

The awkwardness begins immediately post-breakup and will almost certainly rear its ugly head when you least expect it. Whether you discover your ex's email address while trying to log on to facebook.com at WCL, or you are caught off-guard by an obnoxious grin and chuckle from the seat behind you at Valentines Day: The Movie, running into your ex is inevitable and almost always uncomfortable.

Most the time you both dread and pray for these happenstance meetings. You dread seeing him or her with someone else; a happy smile plastered across his face as a result of either being with someone new or the ubiquitous Keystone Light haze.

You fear nothing more than having to watch them arm and arm with their new (admittedly attractive- yet obviously stupid) love interest at the frat house where you're pretty sure the two of you made some hazy memories together.

Yet at the same time, you pray for evidence that he or she feels as miserable as you do. You dream of the moment your ex sees you floating across the Quad arm-in-arm with your very own new special person. Or at the very least, you search for any evidence that he or she still knows you're alive (fingers crossed).

Instead of riding this emotional rollercoaster until you vomit, I think it might be time to accept the awkwardness as a necessary but manageable by-product of a relationship gone sour.

Why not joke about it with your ex? Be careful with this however, sometimes it can be taken to far, especially when you date younger and your ex's maturity level is akin to that of a 9 year old playground bully. You know like in the instance where at every bar or place you see him he comes up and tells you that you look familiar and introduces himself in front of plenty of people that know the demise of your relationship could be likened to World War II. Alternatively, talk about it; maybe start saying hello when your paths cross. At the very least, try having a civil conversation over facebook chat without employing the sad face or the foot-in-mouth face emoticon. Or, if you're over the age of seven, try doing without emoticons entirely.

The initial awkwardness is unavoidable. It might get better with time. Or, it might not. But regardless of whether you graduate still madly in love or have slipped in to somebody else's proverbial cap and gown, take solace in the fact that you will eventually leave both A&M and your ex behind.

In the classic film "Office Space," one of the Bobs explains that it is better to fire people on a Friday because "studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week."

Your time at A&M is like a perpetual Monday. When you let go of your boyfriend/girlfriend/one night stand, there is no weekend escape in sight and no way to avoid the inevitable "incident."

You will run in to him or her, if not today, then tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, then you'll cross paths hung over at late night at Taco-C, your new forever21 top/Polo Oxford with a little bit of queso-goodness on the collar (and chin) because of coordination issues after 7 standard drinks at Logans.

Stop living in fear and realize that awkwardness is completely manageable. As Peter Gibbons once said, "I hope your firings go really, really well."

Goodbye My Lover... Goodbye My Friend: Sober for 20 Days

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGE fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect Fridays afternoon cocktail, a beer at the game and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:


1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night. HAha

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a CGC (Cheesy Gordita Crunch for you novices) with hot sauce (can you say heartburn!) along with a yesterday's cold Little Caeser's and some stale tortilla chips (washed down with warm wine & topped off with a Kit Kat)? I'm an eclectic eater but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do better in my Pilates Kinesiology Class so to improve my balance, BUT I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down to 2 steps at The Tap this past Summer. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.


4. Hangovers: Furthermore, these have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But the 3 PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. If the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, grease and aspirin) prior to going to sleep, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets (haha yeah right). In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. Until then, I am taking a vow of sobriety until March 10 at 6pm.

Hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan
Whit

Objectum Sexuality

There is something about the date February 14th that brings out the “crazy” in all of us single girls.

During any other time of the year, we may be loving single life and having a blast with our friends (or friends for the night…). But then something happens. February rolls around and pink and red decorative hearts start appearing everywhere, sending us into a fit of hysteria. We feel a sense of urgency that suddenly it is not OK to be alone. We consider settling for that weird dude on campus who wears shorts and sandals year round. We shovel down quarts of ice cream, crying to our friends about how no guy will ever love us, and that we may as well become nuns or lesbians.

On every other day we are completely content with our lives, but Valentine’s Day hits and we peg ourselves future cat ladies, destined for lives of misery and fur balls.

But hold on, ladies. No matter how single you are and crazy you feel right now, take solace in the fact that you’ll never stoop this low:

15 pieces of advice

Now that adulthood is staring me straight in the face, I have decided to give my 23rd year-- my very best shot. Even though the last year has passed entirely too quickly, it feels like just yesterday I was indulging in jello shots and margaritas, looking back, much has happened. It seems I’ve learned a lot while Kelis' milkshake brought all the boys to the yard and Beyonce became "Irreplacable" and the Jersey Shore became a national phenomenon.

So here (in no particular order) is what I know for certain after turning 22. Perhaps you youngsters can take a few things from this:

1. Friendships should make you happy — not pissed off : Friends should be so much more than people you dance on tables with and dish about the weekend to. They should be there for you, and you should be there for them.

2. Northface is overpriced: it's fleece guys. They are often understated and overwhelmingly overlooked when it comes to fashion. But even if they aren’t fashionable, really, you can’t complain when that slicker keeps your from frizzing. Without a rain jacket I wouldn’t have made it through the fury that is bizarre Texas weather. And I think it actually kept me going to class my last two semesters. Why didn’t I realize this sooner? It doesn’t matter if you have a basic from Greek Boutique or a super sexy trench from Dillards, just get one!

3. Do not drink the CapriSuns: Even if the frat-mixed mojitos are watered down and tasting a bit like a dirty dance floor, stay away from the CapriSuns. They are dangerous and you will make mistakes.

4. Do experience a Pimms with Lemonade: Although you probably have never heard of this drink before, Pimms with Lemonade is a pub staple. The Pimms is to Wimbledon, as the mint julep is to the Kentucky Derby. This fresh tasting, fruity cocktail will may be enough to convince you to study abroad for a semester. It’s to die for.

5. Reading is magical: Taking the time to read for pleasure in between reading for class is one of the best ways to relax. This past year, I have rediscovered my love for reading, all while falling in love with some great stories. Need something to restart your love of reading? Read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon.

6. “That’s So You!” It’s important to have your signature piece, be it clothing, music or opinion. This has made my life simpler and more defined.

7. Stay away from frat guys. To say that frat guys don’t have the best reputation is like saying that that I only kinda like Diet Coke. From movies to TV shows to their very own indiscretions, on a scale of douchebaggery, they fall somewhere between Spencer Pratt and Tiger Woods. Trust me. Life is better without them.

8. “Welcome to the real world, she said to me…:” Although the quarter-life crisis often seems inevitable, I have learned that I definitely do not want to go down the John Mayer permanent-existential-life-crisis road. While his never-ending misery will supply good music for more and more years to come (without a doubt), I choose to not dwell. It’s much healthier this way, even if I do enjoy indulging in his misery sometimes.

9. Stop reading beauty magazines: I’ve stopped buying magazines and I feel much more enlightened. Instead, I have stopped giving my $3.99 to advice on how to make a man moan and enjoy the in-depth features in the feminist friendly Bust magazine and or an extra drink at the pub on a Friday night.

10. Give a Little Bit: Helping others is amazing and it makes you feel better than anything else can.

11. To Thine Own Self, Be True: To be a writer, you need to have extremely thick skin. Regardless of what your stance is, someone is always going to go against it and you have to be true to yourself and the piece you are writing. The same goes for all facets of life; you gotta be you and that’s that.

12. Big birthday parties don’t prove anything: Big birthday parties aren’t all that they are cracked up to be. After years of over-the-top Disney birthday, the whole high school teenage hang-out-birthday scene, and the exuberantly drunk and pretentiously planned college birthday, I will take the quiet and intimate birthday dinner over anything else. It’s better to celebrate with those that actually matter.

13. Lady Gaga is a goddess: She’s given us greatness, i.e.: “I’m bluffin’ with my muffin,” disco-bras, “Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roman-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!,” and perhaps the greatest line of them, “I’m a free bitch, baby!” Her stage presence is to die for, and her genuine, authentic, down-to-Earth personality (come on, didn’t you see her on Oprah?) is addictive. Plus, I’ve seen a slew of live performances and I have to say, Gaga outperforms the rest with her Monster Ball.

14. Play bar golf at least once. A fun, challenging, often vomit-inducing college sport. ONE OF THE BEST TIMES I'VE EVER HAD IN COLLEGE. Golf attire is mandatory. Go for gold.

15. The Little Things Count: It’s important to relish the little things. In college, so much happens at once, it feels like the world can pass you by – especially once you turn 21 and the end of college seems very near. The most important lesson I’ve learned is to take time doing something you enjoy. It doesn’t matter if you want to get crazy drunk on a Friday night or take an extra art class, but do what gives you the most pleasure. Make more time for Grey's Anatomy wine nights. Make time for more sex. Make time to cook dinner with your roommates. Just make time! As each year goes by, it is also important to look back to see what you’ve learned (whether it’s good, bad, ugly, or silly).